la gripe

last wednesday night (thursday morning), i woke up in the middle of the night for no reason.  two hours later i was practically making out with the toilet.  sorry i was out of commission for so long.  i got a good one coming up :)

everything has changed, but some things stay the same

i got a new job.  moved to a new (old) city.  things changed quickly.  how quickly?

i've gotten accustomed to the 40 hour work weeks which i have never done before in my life.  i'm in a routine of working out immediately after work.  i enjoy coming home and relaxing and now cruising around online all day long.  i appreciate the weekend much more as well.  things have changed.  i have grown up.  but something has stayed the same.

my jealousy.  living at home with my parents, not going out, not being 'involved' kinda of released me of that angry green monster.  it felt good.  coming back here though, it has reemerged!  i have always been the jealous type.  jealous of people's bf's, of their cars, of their jobs, of their houses, of their hair, etc... i need a twelve step program to get over it!

step one.  limit yourself from social media's.  not completely.  but don't check them excessively.  don't live vicariously through other's facebook pages

step two.  build friendships.  rather than automatically imagining someone as my husband.  think of them as a friend first.

step three.  work on insecurities.  whether it's physically or emotionally, fix them!

step four.  feel comfortable in your own clothes.  i judge myself too much with what i wear.

step five.  fix those things that keep you up at night.  finances, boys, drama, work.  don't let it eat at you. no one wants wrinkles.

step six.  date!  go out on dates with no expectations.  have fun

step seven.  venture out.  finally feeling comfortable with yourself, go out and have fun.

step eight.   make connections.  at work.  at play.  be open and confident

step nine.  do something you haven't done before!  be risky, adventurous.  it'll open you up.  no i don't mean i'm going to go out and bottom.

step ten.  weed out the bad ones.  by now, meeting new people and going out more, you have certainly found some bad eggs.  get rid of them

step eleven.  find out what brings you most joy.  and do it.  if it's staying in more, then stay in more.  if you like being around friends, then do it.

step twelve.  notice yourself.  probably walking taller now, smiling more.  notice it.

must be something in the water?

the midwest, the heartland of america.  i live in the third largest city in the midwest (that's for you to find out) and i believe it is a perfect microcosm of the gay culture.  i have lived in the midwest my entire life, born and raised, and will probably remain here for the remainder of my life.  something about the midwest fits me.  i live in a big city that feels like a small town, but can get to a major metropolitan area in minutes.  we have four distinct seasons here, each one i love for different reasons, and each one making me yearn for the others.  we also have one other feature not many know of, the production of porn actors.

yes, in recent years, amongst the people i know and have met, a multitude of boys have delved into the porn industry.  most notably were three friends of mine who all worked for the same site and have since stopped.  the repercussions  for one of my friends was tremendous, the other two seemed to benefit from it. the one got in trouble with the IRS and ended up owing tons of money, having his family find out, and having boy after boy pass him up.  it doesn't help that his bitchy attitude really outshines anything else he has to offer, but for him, he definitely underperformed and did nothing for my erection.  the other two had a some hot sex on camera and are living their lives now.  one had a facebook scare when someone hacked in and posted pics of him from his work.  but other than that, he's a good guy with a good guy to call his own.

another interaction i had was with this younger boy, 19, whom first lied to me about his age.  we met and decided to hang out and after we hung out, i found out information about him that was not divulged while we were talking.  he told me he was 21.  that he didn't have facebook.  that he was looking for a genuine guy.  didn't like hooking up.  wanted to get married.  and most importantly, didn't like "gay stuff."  well a couple days afterwards, i was reading one of my favorite porn blogs and low and behold, there's this boy, getting fucked on a site.  i was shocked and started doing some research.  in a matter of 15 minutes, i found out he was 19, he had facebook, he had a boyfriend who also did porn, he obviously was hooking up...

i was in utter shock.  just days before this boy was painting himself as someone completely different.  was he ashamed or was he telling me what he wished he was?  regardless, no more communication has happened and i actually found out he has a twitter with his porn alias.  tweeting to other porn actors, talking about doing coke, posting naked pics, and just generally enjoying "gay stuff."

i've been thinking about this for a while now.  a little jealousy is involved as i wish i was confident enough in myself to do what these boys are doing or did.  i'm a fan of porn, don't get me wrong.  it's been my boyfriend for 5 years.  but from what i've seen with my friends, i don't know if i could live with what i know people are saying about them.  it's a tough subject to debate, but it's not necessary to lie about it either.  be who you are, do what you want, don't be afraid to express it.  if this boy would've told me the truth, it would have turned me on tremendously and probably would have took him home ;)

Long time no see

Well much has changed since november.  Got a good job, moved to a city I love, and my life finally feels like it has a meaning now. It was a hectic holiday season and I'm now finally feeling settled down.  I moved in with a friend, haven't seen many of my old friends (will go into later on a different post), and have really committed to myself now.

For some reason the whole idea of making money has sparked something in me to change my ways and to re-examine what I have been doing.  I feel more responsible, independent, courageous, and happy of course.  Now it's not that making money makes me happy per-sey, but finally not struggling financially has done wonders for me!

I'm taking on a new attitude towards taking care of myself.  I'm invigorated to get into better shape and get my confidence back!  Slowly but surely, it'll happen!

More to come and more often that the past ;)

Describing and Indescribable feeling

You were indescribable to me.

Nothing felt wrong, everything was right.  I felt something that I couldn't comprehend and maybe that's why it didn't work.  I can remember how you smelled, how you felt, what you said what you wore.  I remember it all.

The weather wasn't the greatest, but I thought what we were doing was.  I felt comfort, safety, passion.  You felt nothing.  Apparently.

You intrude my dreams.  Uninvited but welcomed.  I wish they were true sometimes.

Sometimes I think if you saw me again, something would happen.  I'm afraid that will never happen.

I'll find someone to make me feel what you did and more.  Much more.  Truly, you're pathetic.

Awkward hook up

So we all have them.  An awkward hook up that leaves us scratching our head, wondering why we just didn't stay in and jerk off by ourselves.  Well that happened to me last night.  Yes, I know I have said before that I'm going to wait for a third date, find someone special....bullcrap.  Boys need sex.

I met this pretty attractive Puerto Rican on grindr.  Chatted him up for a couple hours and of course traded the obligatory dirty pics.  He was hot.  He was fit.  Later I found out, he was a flight attendant.  Now why does that matter, because I have a theory that they fly to each city, get a free room, and so they probably invite someone over at every stop.  That's why I'm weary.

Well I did it because at first he told me he was here for work.  So I get there and he says he needs to take a shower.  He proceeds to go into the bathroom and then asks if I'm joining him.  I sprint into the bathroom, I love shower sex!  So we're in the shower getting hot and heavy and we get each other off and when we get out of the shower I find that all my clothes I wore that were on the ground are completely drenched from the shower curtain being slightly open.  I'm not talking about just getting a little wet, these clothes are soaked.  I had to ring them out that's how bad they were.

I don't worry about it and we go to the bed and get off again.  Then in the middle of me getting him off the 2nd time he stops and says, "I need to eat before I get off."  Ok?  So he calls room service and orders food.  Yes, and they bring it up and he eats it all up and then lays back down expecting me to get him off again.  By this time, I was tired, no longer horny, and I didn't want to mess around with someone who just pigged out on hotel food in front of me.  So I say I need to leave and he replies "but your clothes are soaked, just stay here and in the morning they'll be dry."  Rule 1, I don't like to stay over if I know it's just a hook up.  So I put on my sopping wet clothes and just swallow my pride and walk right out.  People staring and everything, but hey, I doubt i'll see them again.

Was a hot puerto rican who likes to eat worth driving home in soaking wet clothes.  Maybe, but I could've done without that gross feeling when you're wearing wet clothes.  But come to think about it, I got off twice, he only did once ;)

The Odd Couple

Speaking of the weird couple that was at the lake with me last weekend, I went to a friends party last night and there were numerous odd couples there.  I when I speak of odd, I mean one was really hot and the other was definitely not!  This one couple in particular last night was complete polar opposites of one another.  He was tall, dark, muscular, chiseled face and tan while his partner was short, fat, bald, and wore glasses.  This may sound like a joke, but it wasn't.  My mouth dropped when I found out those two were together.  I didn't understand.

The other couple was my friend who had the party.  Older, in his 40's, muscular, gray hair, taller while his new boy is a twink in his early twenties!!!  I couldn't believe it when he introduced me to him.  Another couple wasn't as bad, just noticeably different in the hottness factor, but nothing to gawk about.

So here I was, astonished at these couples and the differences I could see on the outside.  But then I thought, here I am alone wanting to be with someone and all I notice are the hot guys who don't seem to want anything with me.  Maybe that's where I'm going wrong, THAT is where i'm going wrong.  Sure these guys are different when it comes to their appearances, but perhaps they are meant for each other for many more reasons than looks.  They all seemed genuinely happy (well the ugly boys should be since they are with significantly hotter partners!)  kidding.... kinda.

I see it alot with hetero couples, a hot girl with a dumpy guy... but I had never seen it in the gay community like that before.  I therefore proceeded to get extra drunk off sangria and pass out.  I had fun, met a couple new friends and perhaps had a breakthough.  I still don't know if I don't have a physical attraction to someone though if a relationship could work, or if I would even give it a try?  Only time will tell I guess... time to call it an evening and enjoy the rest of my sunday.