You before anyone else

First things first.  I will try to blog more!  I promise.

Alright, so here's what I have been thinking about recently.  It all started when someone told me he has never been happier than he is now that he is with this guy.  Good for him, very good for him I thought at first.  Then as I was thinking, do I need a guy in order to be at my all time happiness?  This got me thinking and it got me scared.  I have always been one who doesn't like to depend on someone, so the thought of depending on someone else to make me happy just made me more sad.

I have recently thought that though, if I just had a guy to turn to all my problems wouldn't feel as bad as they are.  But then I said "but guys come and go and when the guy goes you'll have a whole new set of problems on top of the problems you had before him."  Perhaps dating or being in a relationship when you're young or you don't know quite what you want yet is like a band aide, a temporary fix.  This is what most relationships are I believe, band aides...  You see it all the time, someone gets dumped or breaks up with their partner and they're in a relationship right away.  That's a band aide.  Someone is not doing so well with work or money, but they are going through guys like it's their second job.  That's a band aide.

Perhaps this is the reason young relationships are so dysfunctional.  The band aides come off sooner than later and your true self is revealed and all hell breaks out.  Then to fix that band aide, you find other band aides to sleep with to fix that wound that wasn't all the way healed and we have a vicious cycle on our hands.  This is also known as the gay community and every guy I dated!!  I guess I was just a big first aide kit for my two boyfriends and springboards for the other guys I've liked to moved on to bigger and better things, but not me.  Really not kidding with this, I'm like that Dane Cook movie where he dates people so they can get boyfriends that aren't him.  Totally me!  Take a look at my last blog about this year's disappointments.  All four of them are with someone else and committed now...  but not with me.

I've decided and came to the conclusion I want to be happy with my life and myself without a guy in it before I get into a relationship.  Not that guys are throwing themselves at me right now, but you know what I mean.  I want to find my career, get out of debt a little, do something....  However, thinking of this, you might say "what if a gorgeous, generous, kind guy comes along and wants you?"  Well, I'll cross that bridge when it happens, until then, I'm done actively searching.  My third date sex rule will still apply and I will not have any expectations with anyone.  Again, not that I'm having third dates left and right.  I would much rather be happier alone than pseudo-happy in a relationship when I know everything is riding on whether or not we stay together.  We should all be happy with ourselves, I think if we were, we would be much nicer to people and more considerate of others.  But until we can be truly happy alone, we probably should stock up our first aide kits ;)

My first E-mail!

So someone sent me this and I tried to respond the best I could.  If you need some advice or have questions, feel free to email me at jessemiller15@gmail.com.

Okay, well, I need you to be really honest with me, even if it hurts my feelings, because no one else seems to want to tell me.

I'm stuck in this ridiculous cycle where a guy seems interested in me, we text or talk on the phone for awhile.... and then he just stops talking to me. I guess because he's lost interest? I don't know. But it happens to me all the time. I mean, sometimes I'll get the first date, but then he'll never want to see me again and won't tell me why. It's just so depressing because I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, and no one will ever tell me so that I can improve or change what I'm doing wrong

I feel pretty pathetic asking you, but I'm so tired of being rejected by guys and having no idea why, and I thought maybe you could help me


My response


don't worry too much about these guys. it happens to a lot of people, me in particular. this year has been pretty bad so far when it comes to dating so don't get too down, you're not the only one. trust me. plus, you don't want to be with these guys if they are going to act/treat you like that. just move on (i know it's hard to with some of them, i'm still hung up on one) but you gotta find a way to get over it. just go into the first date with no expectations, don't even think about a 2nd date. just one date, that's all. and don't put too much pressure on yourself cause then you won't be your own self, you'll act different.

hope that helps

The Meaning of Texts

Ahhh yes, text messaging...the official language of gays.  We all are guilty of all of these things I will be talking about and we all obsess over this language.  I'm going to get corny here for a second, but Pink really nails my mindset when she sings "Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?  Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone."  First and foremost, I do not understand people who live with their phone attached to their hand.  You know who I am talking about, those guys at a party or in the club who are constantly texting someone and occasionally pulling their head up to say "OMG so-and-so just texted me and said....." Like really?!?!  Omg I can't believe you think you're awesome because you don't pay attention because you have so many friends that you have to constantly text.

Next we all our guilty of and annoys me the most.  When you text someone and don't get a response forever and finally you say somehow, "did you get my text?"  What do they respond with.... "no i didn't get it??"  WRONG.  Never ever ever ever do you not get a text.  Ok maybe with ATT do you not get them right away or whatever, but you never not receive a text.  I'm sorry, but that drives me crazy.  One of my pet peeves is when people ignore you for no reason no matter what the situation is, so this one really irks me...

My next texting offense I want to address is over-texting.  Texting entire conversations which should be communicated on the phone irks me beyond belief.  Then the person will think I'm mad or disinterested in them and they ask "you don't wanna talk?"  No, I don't wanna text entire conversations for a half hour...  Also, If you wanna make plans, don't text out the details, call the person!

What I also hate about texting is how obsessed we become with it.  Whenever your phone chimes, we all have that one person we wish it was, but never is :(  Here's a dramatic story for you that affected my texting habits.  My junior year of college I was dumped by text message at 2am.  Not just a text message, one so long that it took 3 texts to come through, each coming 5 min apart.  So the first part of the text I get a you're dumped, the 2nd one is why I got dumped, and the third one saying I wanna see you tomorrow.  Ok, 1. dump me the next day in person. 2. don't wake me up to dump me.  3. F-off.  I didn't sleep the rest of the night obviously and for about the next year, I turned my phone off at night so I wouldn't get woken up with bad news again :(

Although I'm complaining about these things, I'm guilty of them too.  I'm guilty of being pushy with guys I like, distancing myself from one's I don't, and obsessing over every text I get.  Truth be told, I want a phone cleanse, a couple days without a cell phone, no texting, calling, grinding ;), facebooking, etc... Perhaps soon I will try it, but until then, I think I'll continue to fall into all these categories (except the over-texter!)

Text y'all later

Quiet times

Sorry, super busy week so far and a busy weekend coming up.  I got a new job though :)  I'm also playing in a pretty big tennis tournament this weekend which I'm already in the quarterfinals for.  Wish me luck :)

More updates to come sooooooooooooooooooooon

Bad Bad Day

Today was just a bad bad bad day.  One of those days you're hoping to forget immediately but you know it's going to weigh on your for a while.

Things that made it the worst today.  I thought I would be offered a job today so I could quit my other job (which I hate) but they told me they would call me in 3-4 days :(  I also lost my wallet.  Disappeared is more like it.  I have no idea where it went!!!  My afternoon was spent canceling cards.  Then my job now sucked, worked sucked, the people sucked, everything sucked.  blah......................................

Off to bed, sleep this bad day away.

Early Bird Catches the Worm

It is 5:20am and I'm up drinking some coffee, watching the morning news, ad getting ready for work.  Twenty minutes ago my alarm went off and I rolled out of bed so I can get to work at 6:30am.  This is the 2nd day in a row for this and I'm actually not complaining.  Where I work, it is easier to open rather than close, also, it's not as busy in the morning until about noon so it's not that bad.  But truth be told, I'm a morning person, not a night person.

There's always been something about waking up before the sun rises that has always fascinated me.  It almost feels like you're getting a head start on the day.  I especially like working out early in the morning.  If i work out in the evening, I'm usually wired until 1am and then my whole next day is ruined.

Also, everything is a lot slower this time of day.  No one is in a rush, everyone is quiet, and just overall peaceful.  Call me weird, but I like being up this early ;)

Titles

I have to admit something, I do have profile's on hookup sites...  I do not show my face on them and I do not act on any contacts, anymore ;)  I am mostly bored now and like to look through things, strike up conversation with the one's I find might be interesting, and laugh at the one's that are just absurd.  Now I won't tell you what site these come from or where they are from, but I'll give you a few examples.

Example #1: username BoiPussy4u2use
Now there is multiple things wrong with this screen name.  First, I hate it when guys spell "boy" with an i. Second I hate the term "boy pussy."  I literally stopped having sex with this guy cause he said these exact words to me; "does my tight boy pussy feel good?"  Done and done.  Thirdly, 4u2use???  That literally makes you a cum dumpster, literally.  And what can I use it for exactly?  Can I cook eggs with it?  Does it crochet?  Can it mix some drinks for us?  Pretty bad username if you ask me.  (note: the guys profile picture is him getting fisted, enough said).

Example #2: headline "can host tonight, come feel my warming sensation."  Alright, I like to read the craigslist missed connections and personals because honestly, they make me laugh.  This one is ridiculous though!  Warming senstation???  Is this guy really saying "Come over and fuck me and I'll give you syphilis cause it'll burn when you pee when you're done with me."  gross gross gross.

Example #3: email sent to me.  "Hey, I really liked your profile and was wondering if you wanted to help a first timer out.  Been married for 25 years and would like to see what i've missed out on.  Wife's out of town for the weekend and I have all her bra's and pantie's at my disposal.  Let me know."  Ummmm what??   First things first, I would feel horrible if I helped a guy cheat on his wife, second, if they've been married for 25 years, he has to be at least 45, and third, I do not want some old woman's bra and panties at my disposal!!!!  No thank you.

Example #4: "college" in sn.  There is a extreme fetish in the gay world with the following terms: college, jock, frat, co-ed, and af.  Too many thirty-something's have the term "college" in their sn.  Ok, yes, you may still be in college, but that doesn't make you hot.  I finished 4 years of college, 90% of the guys I saw were not hot.  Also please learn what a "jock" is.  To mean, it means you work out a lot and really don't care about much else.  Too many slobs and fat guys use this in their sn's and I almost want to email them to ask them how many times they've lifted a weight in the past year or went running.  Don't use it unless you are one.  Also, the fascination with "frat guys" and "co-ed" is kinda ridiculous.  It's more prevalent in porn, but it still makes me wonder, are we obsessed because we think it's a house full of guys who jerk off all the time (now if every Fraternity was like the website Fratmen, then yes, it would be hot).  Oh quick side note about frat guys.  I was walking to class one night during grad school and where I walked I had to walk right by all the fraternities and sororities and one night this most gorgeous guy came walking out in boardshorts (It was in November) and he was one of those you could find on the website Fratmen.  For a second I abandoned my thought that frat guys were not appealing for the mere fact that they were in a frat cause my mind automatically thought of the dirty things he was doing inside that house ;)  Finally, why do guys think if they put AF in their profile (for Abercrombie and Fitch) that it makes them more appealing?  It doesn't.  Should we think you were in one of those magazines that the company used to put out?  No, you're no where close to it.  Don't even bother with me...

So hopefully you don't think i'm a big whore, I just like to look, strike up conversations, and just laugh really.  I have met up once or twice with someone and perhaps I'll tell you another time ;)  Oh, fyi, my screen name is that of a modern philosopher so don't judge me ;)

Happy 4th of July!

Appropriate that American Serena Williams took home the title today at Wimbledon (she is my all time favorite btw).  Other than that I have been pretty chill this weekend.  The 4th is one of my least favorite holidays, it's more about cooking out and fireworks than anything else and I just don't get into it too much.  Much like Valentine's day, another least favorite of mine...

Be safe and enjoy your weekend!!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Well I have my mac back and couldn't be happier!  I will never use a PC willingly again!  As I sit here reading my favorite blogs, drinking my coffee, and waking up; I am also doing one of my favorite things which only happens for two weeks out of the year, watching Wimbledon!!!

I am a huge tennis fan and avid tennis player for the past 11 years of my life.  For the past twelve summers, the last week of June and first week of July you'll find me up at 8am every day to watch tennis for 9 hours. It's a lasting memory for me every summer.  I think of great matches that have happened, awesome comebacks, and takes me back to my junior days when I didn't have a care in the world.  Perhaps one of the reasons why I love this tournament so much is because my favorites always do well here.  I am speaking of the Williams sisters and Roger Federer!  I have been a fan of them since the beginning, before they were dominate and before they won everything.

In the summer of '99, I was bored and had nothing to do.  My parents used to own a concession stand at a local pool so before then, my summers were spent at the pool all day.  They gave it up in 98 and the next summer I found myself extremely bored.  While I was trying to cure my boredom, I happened to take interest in Wimbledon which I noticed had been on tv for a while.  My interest grew and finally saw a match between Venus and Steffi Graf.  It was awesome, I was so excited for something I had no idea about (kinda like how I became obsessed with Curling this year in Vancouver even though I had no idea how to play or what was going on).

Venus ended up loosing to Graf and the next day I had my mom take me to our local tennis club and signed up for lessons and from there on out, I never looked back.  I won my first tournament 4 months later and by the following summer I was in the advanced level group at my club.  I was addicted when I was younger, following scores online, watching it on tv everywhere, and even reading 'Venus Envy' by Jon Wertheim.  I literally became a student of the game, learning the history, past champions, and studying technique religiously.  I became quite good quite quickly.  I made some of my best friends from tennis and never thought I would be playing the game and enjoying it now.

Tennis also helped me go to college.  I received a scholarship to play and may have been one of the best decisions of my life.  My team was awesome and was the best four years of my life.  I had a great college career winning two conference titles and making the schools honorary champions board.

No wonder Wimbledon holds a special part in my heart, it was where my life began almost.  Before that I had no hobby, no drive, no ambition (even as a 12 year old) and was actually pretty lazy.  I will forever wake up at 8am for two weeks straight (besides the middle sunday) to watch my favorite tournament and reminisce about all the great things that came from it!