Lake time

Yep, that's me.  Yep, I got burnt.  But I had the most amazing time boating last weekend.  It was exactly what I needed and couldn't of asked for more.  The weather was perfect, the people were awesome, the drinks were abound, and there was no drama.  I met two really cute boys, did some flirting, made tons of new friends and it made me miss Indy :(

The only weird thing about boat day was this couple that was there.  This older gentleman maybe 35?  had this 19 year old bf.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Well they were only friends with the guy who organized this so no one else really knew them.  But later we found out that they don't even have sex, that the older guy just buys the younger one things, including a new Mustang!  Yes, he bought his little twink who doesn't put out a car.  If i had a couple more drinks in me, I would've offered my services to this guy and I would've put out for a car!  Hahah just kidding.  Kinda.  But for real, they were really weird and awkward the whole day.  I don't like twinks, never have, never will...

Other than the weird couple, it was awesome, I had a great time and now i'm peeling on my shoulders and back :)  Signs of a good time!

What have I become?

So i took today off completely.  I didn't have to work, it was my day off from the gym, my day off from dieting and i feel horrible about it!  Wherever you read it says "you need to take a day off from dieting and the gym to help your body recover."  But now I'm obsessing over it.  I may be developing a little body dysmorphia ;) jk jk I still pigged out today.

I do however hate those people who are so strict with their workouts and diets that they become overwhelmed with them.   A friend of mine is like that, 2+ hours at the gym a day, periods of bulking and cutting, overeating and starving....it's just not right.  I hit my max at an hour and a half at the gym and sometimes I can't help that late night resse cup :(  But to those of you who are hardcore, kudos to you.  For me, I'll stick to feeling a little guilty after my binge day.

I used to be fun

I swear I was a barrel of monkey's before I moved back home to Ohio!  When I lived in Indy I would go out every weekend with friends, have lunch with friends daily, go see movies, go run on the canal, and just overall enjoy life.  Not in Ohio.  I know 4 people here, I haven't gone out in 5 months, I haven't drank since my birthday in May, and now I go to movies by myself :(

Now when I was in grad school I wasn't really complaining because I was so busy, now I just work, workout, and play tennis.  Not a bad life considering, but I need to spice it up a little.  Luckily for me, I'll be going to a lake next weekend with some friends from Indy so at least I'll have a little r&r this summer.

But here's the thing, because I have lived such a dull life, my body has never been in better shape!!!  I have time to work out 6 days a week, not drinking alcohol has done wonders for my waistline, and playing so much tennis really has got me in great shape! Soon I will show you my before and after pics, but until now i'll hold you in suspense :)

So I guess you give a little, take a little?  Is that the right phrase for this situation?  hahah i dunno.  Enjoy your sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did i

So tonight I am on facebook and was looking up a friend with the same first name as "mr. future husband."  and low and behold mr. future husband showed up with his profile picture of him and his boyfriend.  someone literally stabbed me in the heart!!!!  ugh, that sucked :(  i literally thought i was pretty much over it, but that hurt real bad.  like heart racing, stomach churning, limb numbing, pain...

gotta fix this soon.  any suggestions? :(

You before anyone else

First things first.  I will try to blog more!  I promise.

Alright, so here's what I have been thinking about recently.  It all started when someone told me he has never been happier than he is now that he is with this guy.  Good for him, very good for him I thought at first.  Then as I was thinking, do I need a guy in order to be at my all time happiness?  This got me thinking and it got me scared.  I have always been one who doesn't like to depend on someone, so the thought of depending on someone else to make me happy just made me more sad.

I have recently thought that though, if I just had a guy to turn to all my problems wouldn't feel as bad as they are.  But then I said "but guys come and go and when the guy goes you'll have a whole new set of problems on top of the problems you had before him."  Perhaps dating or being in a relationship when you're young or you don't know quite what you want yet is like a band aide, a temporary fix.  This is what most relationships are I believe, band aides...  You see it all the time, someone gets dumped or breaks up with their partner and they're in a relationship right away.  That's a band aide.  Someone is not doing so well with work or money, but they are going through guys like it's their second job.  That's a band aide.

Perhaps this is the reason young relationships are so dysfunctional.  The band aides come off sooner than later and your true self is revealed and all hell breaks out.  Then to fix that band aide, you find other band aides to sleep with to fix that wound that wasn't all the way healed and we have a vicious cycle on our hands.  This is also known as the gay community and every guy I dated!!  I guess I was just a big first aide kit for my two boyfriends and springboards for the other guys I've liked to moved on to bigger and better things, but not me.  Really not kidding with this, I'm like that Dane Cook movie where he dates people so they can get boyfriends that aren't him.  Totally me!  Take a look at my last blog about this year's disappointments.  All four of them are with someone else and committed now...  but not with me.

I've decided and came to the conclusion I want to be happy with my life and myself without a guy in it before I get into a relationship.  Not that guys are throwing themselves at me right now, but you know what I mean.  I want to find my career, get out of debt a little, do something....  However, thinking of this, you might say "what if a gorgeous, generous, kind guy comes along and wants you?"  Well, I'll cross that bridge when it happens, until then, I'm done actively searching.  My third date sex rule will still apply and I will not have any expectations with anyone.  Again, not that I'm having third dates left and right.  I would much rather be happier alone than pseudo-happy in a relationship when I know everything is riding on whether or not we stay together.  We should all be happy with ourselves, I think if we were, we would be much nicer to people and more considerate of others.  But until we can be truly happy alone, we probably should stock up our first aide kits ;)

My first E-mail!

So someone sent me this and I tried to respond the best I could.  If you need some advice or have questions, feel free to email me at jessemiller15@gmail.com.

Okay, well, I need you to be really honest with me, even if it hurts my feelings, because no one else seems to want to tell me.

I'm stuck in this ridiculous cycle where a guy seems interested in me, we text or talk on the phone for awhile.... and then he just stops talking to me. I guess because he's lost interest? I don't know. But it happens to me all the time. I mean, sometimes I'll get the first date, but then he'll never want to see me again and won't tell me why. It's just so depressing because I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, and no one will ever tell me so that I can improve or change what I'm doing wrong

I feel pretty pathetic asking you, but I'm so tired of being rejected by guys and having no idea why, and I thought maybe you could help me


My response


don't worry too much about these guys. it happens to a lot of people, me in particular. this year has been pretty bad so far when it comes to dating so don't get too down, you're not the only one. trust me. plus, you don't want to be with these guys if they are going to act/treat you like that. just move on (i know it's hard to with some of them, i'm still hung up on one) but you gotta find a way to get over it. just go into the first date with no expectations, don't even think about a 2nd date. just one date, that's all. and don't put too much pressure on yourself cause then you won't be your own self, you'll act different.

hope that helps

The Meaning of Texts

Ahhh yes, text messaging...the official language of gays.  We all are guilty of all of these things I will be talking about and we all obsess over this language.  I'm going to get corny here for a second, but Pink really nails my mindset when she sings "Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?  Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone."  First and foremost, I do not understand people who live with their phone attached to their hand.  You know who I am talking about, those guys at a party or in the club who are constantly texting someone and occasionally pulling their head up to say "OMG so-and-so just texted me and said....." Like really?!?!  Omg I can't believe you think you're awesome because you don't pay attention because you have so many friends that you have to constantly text.

Next we all our guilty of and annoys me the most.  When you text someone and don't get a response forever and finally you say somehow, "did you get my text?"  What do they respond with.... "no i didn't get it??"  WRONG.  Never ever ever ever do you not get a text.  Ok maybe with ATT do you not get them right away or whatever, but you never not receive a text.  I'm sorry, but that drives me crazy.  One of my pet peeves is when people ignore you for no reason no matter what the situation is, so this one really irks me...

My next texting offense I want to address is over-texting.  Texting entire conversations which should be communicated on the phone irks me beyond belief.  Then the person will think I'm mad or disinterested in them and they ask "you don't wanna talk?"  No, I don't wanna text entire conversations for a half hour...  Also, If you wanna make plans, don't text out the details, call the person!

What I also hate about texting is how obsessed we become with it.  Whenever your phone chimes, we all have that one person we wish it was, but never is :(  Here's a dramatic story for you that affected my texting habits.  My junior year of college I was dumped by text message at 2am.  Not just a text message, one so long that it took 3 texts to come through, each coming 5 min apart.  So the first part of the text I get a you're dumped, the 2nd one is why I got dumped, and the third one saying I wanna see you tomorrow.  Ok, 1. dump me the next day in person. 2. don't wake me up to dump me.  3. F-off.  I didn't sleep the rest of the night obviously and for about the next year, I turned my phone off at night so I wouldn't get woken up with bad news again :(

Although I'm complaining about these things, I'm guilty of them too.  I'm guilty of being pushy with guys I like, distancing myself from one's I don't, and obsessing over every text I get.  Truth be told, I want a phone cleanse, a couple days without a cell phone, no texting, calling, grinding ;), facebooking, etc... Perhaps soon I will try it, but until then, I think I'll continue to fall into all these categories (except the over-texter!)

Text y'all later